.:+Memorie§+:.

Till next time

2011-08-24T22:30:00.005-03:00

This has always been the secret garden for the past 8 years.

The day still came when I started to feel that I don't want to write long articles like I used to. I either got lazy or indifferent, or both. But I don't want to give up jotting down bits of my mind just yet. So I need something simply, fast, easily accessible... like Posterous.

I was going to end this with Ikimonogakari's Yell. But...

So long.

花は桜君は美し

2011-08-16T11:55:00.003-03:00

花は桜　君は美し　春の木漏れ日　君の微笑み

春を待つ　つぼみのように　僕は今　迷っています

...

春はまた　もう一度　この花を咲かせたいのでしょうか

Whether you see me or not

2011-05-04T16:29:00.004-03:00

I've always been an atheist but Buddhism starts to make a lot more sense to me lately; not the whole part about God but its way of thinking. To me, the way in which it explains a person's relationship with the environment and himself makes it not a religion but more of... philosophy.

I came across this chinese poem about Buddhism. I'm not sure who wrote it but it touches me somehow. The english version is loosely translated by me based on my not-so-great chinese and superficial understanding of the poem.

你见，或者不见我

我就在那里

不悲不喜

I'm right there

Whether you see me or not;

No hint of sadness or joy

你念，或者不念我

情就在那里

不来不去

Feelings are right there

Whether you miss me or not;

They are not going anywhere

你爱，或者不爱我

爱就在那里

不增不减

Love is right there

Whether you love me or not;

it doesn't change

你跟，或者不跟我

我的手就在你手里

不舍不弃

My hands are in yours

Whether you follow me or not;

.... Never abandoning them.

The saddest thing is...

2011-04-23T16:57:00.028-03:00

to realize that he saw the end in the beginning so, he left long before the end.

Everything that I felt and believed in became ironic; they turned into pain.

"... He's 'the one' and... he's gone."

"He's not. If he was 'the one', he would not have left you."

"... but"

"..."

I wish there was a sudden onset of retrograde amnesia.

The last words from him...

2011-04-21T06:22:00.003-03:00

"Hello? Hello...

doo... doo... doo..."

...............

.....

...

Lights out.

How to restore MBR(/get rid of GNU) in Windows 7

2010-12-01T18:12:00.006-04:00

For my own reference in future.

- Load command prompt with recovery disc.

diskpart.exe

list disk

select disk 0

active

list volume

select volume

active

exit

bootrec /fixmbr

bootrec /fixboot

The Drifter

2009-12-04T21:05:00.005-04:00

was watching a movie, The Drifter, about existentialism, featuring the famous surfer Rob Machado the other day. nothing really happened in the movie. i usually hate movies like this no matter how profound and philosophical they claim/try to be. call me melodramatic but when i dedicate a couple of hours seeing a show/movie, i expect drama. lots of it.

i thought this movie is another of those ostentious boring movies till he said this...

"We dreamt of the perfect wave, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect love.
When we get there, we dream of something else."

......

The cutest girl in the Final Fantasy series.

2009-10-09T08:07:00.009-03:00

It has to be Serah Farron. ~>_<~

And I can't help but to grab all her cute shots from the latest FF13 TGS trailer.

So lovely.

お誕生日おめでとう！

2009-08-13T21:59:00.005-03:00

it has been a while since i was as happy as today when nothing was actually going on, other than me having a horribly long day related to work and i will be continue working till 3am at least. anyway, i was still literally beaming with happiness ever since the clock striked 12mn. coz it is such a special day - the first birthday that i get to celebrate for him. (well, not quite yet coz he's not back to school.) and i still can't figure out why i'm so much more exuberant than the birthday boy! -.-"

actually... the idea of love is so simple. after so many years, i found myself having the same thoughts as what i had at 6 - if we have 2 apples, he will give me the bigger one; if we only have 1 apple, he will split it with me.

Happy Birthday Honey!

if my love is a song, you are the notes.

Feeling adrift.

2009-08-01T16:41:00.004-03:00

the same feeling always comes back right before i fly.

"Coz we've never felt like being in one place for an entire life." i don't remember who mumbled it.

perhaps, because deep down i know that i cannot be in one place all the time - someday, someday i will leave. or the place leaves me. it's a sad realization. but i refuse to face the fact that life is a constant state of evanescence. there, i have my little dream... that may be one or two things will last. and even if they were to vaporize, there ought to be something left.

...

my stomach hurts again. ahh... it takes so long to recover from diarrhea.

I need to note this down

2009-07-16T17:05:00.015-03:00

so after fumbling for almost 2 weeks, (i last did it 10 years ago, in school) they have been transformed from this...

to this.

in fact, i've just finished it. it's definitely an occasion worth commemorating. lol.

New layout... for the new semester?

2009-07-07T15:56:00.007-03:00

it's been a year since i last changed the layout and i don't even like the previous one. i was desperate for a change. so i simply grabbed pictures off a website and slapped them onto my blog, thinking it's a temporary solution to prove my determination for a change. little did i know that my idea of 'temporary solution' would stretch to a year. =.=

i love this layout, especially its theme. though i've had so much trouble writing and editing the code to incorporate it into my blog. the floating table cell was such a pain that i even doubted my future in CSC. may be i just suck at HTML. whatever. anyway, all the problems have been fixed by now.

the previous layout.

ps. i came across some pictures taken by my dad in Maldives. and i'm convinced that i need to go there some time in future.

It's only a tool for communication...

2009-07-03T00:11:00.013-03:00

and when has it become a gauge of how closely people are related?

i got a new phone. it's been a while since i've been looking for phones like my new one - simple, aesthetically pleasing and very user-friendly. every single phone nowadays aim to be the Swiss Army Knife and consumers rave about the jaw-dropping phone specifications, with little consideration of just how many of those heavily hyped functions will be used.

there's nothing wrong with it. it fuels the advancement of technology, isn't it? notebooks was in this war until the netbooks appeared. it will probably happen to mobile phones too. but i just miss the little sweet phones so much. they are not bulky, not overly complicated, very user-friendly and close to the heart.

it's the same when it comes to people.
i don't seem to be a greedy person because i expect very few things from people and life.
i am greedy because the few things that i want happen to be the most precious and the easily lost ones.

Sony Ericsson T707

(omg i'm still a SE fan)

Missing the little green bed...

2009-06-24T14:29:00.003-03:00

in room 624 all of a sudden. it's tiny and crappy...but cozy. so cozy that i can feel the warmth just by thinking about it.

miss the brown couch too.

If you walked away, keep walking.

2009-06-14T14:24:00.010-03:00

it's all purplish and about to rain. the night sky is always so illuminated that i can't see a single star. i wish i could say

大丈夫。恋しがらないよ。but i can't. it's a fact; it's nothing new - i'm missing you.

has it reached the dangerous point where you've become such an important part of my life that the mere thought of you stepping out of it seemed so... unbearable? you've made me so happy that it feels surreal. as if i was consuming my happiness in future and paying a high interest later in the form of misery.

that's not my greatest fear. neither is you leaving for good or with someone. my greatest fear is me becoming your safety net.

instead of loving me, you love one part about me but hate the rest.
instead of longing to be around me, you feel obligated to stay.
instead of savoring the shared memories, you feel sorry to abandone them.

it's everything - apology, regrets, responsibilities, time- everything else but your very own desires and passion AND LOVE. i've faded completely to 'just another face' in your life. with excessive burden.

if this happened... please walk away from me. never turn back.

Listen to the sound of your heart

2009-04-14T03:19:00.005-03:00

& cheerful melodies may arise.

it turned out to be a huge surprise birthday party. in PINK. omg. this birthday gotta be the one that i feel most embarrassed yet most touched, most depressed & happiest - i was definitely on an emotional roller coaster.

"he is the biggest present from Santa for you being such a nice person."

Till regrets bloom...

2009-04-11T06:27:00.005-03:00

i don't want to get prickly with defences around the people whom i'm close to, but i don't want to turn into a weak fool. i'm getting tired of struggling to find the balance.

i hope that i'm more spiteful sometimes.

and i wish i can see the future.

I want to sit by the sea...

2009-03-30T13:10:00.004-03:00

it's funny. i grow up in an island country and have been to most of the popular places by sea, yet i still have the sudden urge to see the sea... now.

Just sitting on the beach and listening to waves crashing.

but Miami beaches, in fact most of the beaches that i've been to, are too touristy...too ostentatious.

i still want to go though. really want to....

还是欲望这种本能会让人忘了有多心疼
只是不知无论如何到了最后还不是....

一个人

Ai Ai Gasa

2009-03-25T03:43:00.005-03:00

the cruise is amazing. it makes the end of spring break such a disappointment and the back-to-reality school life almost cruel.

ever felt clueless of how to keep something/someone so precious, safe, in all sense? i want to know him; understand the meaning of every glance, every barely-noticeable smile, every contemplative frown. he once said that he knows so much about me but i know so little about him. i want it to be 'we know equally well about each other'.
however, i'm worried that by being around him all the time, i will suck out all oxygen and snuff out the life of him & the relationship. how i wish the idea of 'healthy distance' is tangible. 10cm? an arm's length? 2hrs per day?

may be it's time to be a little bit selfish... at risk of suffocating him. haaaa...

Nau Ko'u Aloha

2009-03-02T01:59:00.005-04:00

My heart is no longer lonely as I hold you close to me.
I wait in eagerness.
I've come to realize that when your heart is broken,
My heart will only beat for you.
You are the Song to my heart.
I search with an uncertain hand,
With breathless kisses,
A burning desire,
Hoping this moment will will last forever.

At last I can love completely,
Without complete understanding.

Our hearts beat in time together to make that perfect moment.
You are more than love to me,
You are everything.

Nau ko'u aloha
My love is yours.

this is way beyond sweet or romantic. i wish i'm blessed with the ability to express my feelings when words simply can't do the card any justice. surprisingly, i wasn't moved to tears for tearing releases emotions. i hope to seal the feeling in myself; i hope it's able to diffuse like perfume in future - with the density and the strength.

may be i've gained a little more wisdom the moment i felt thankful to the past heartaches and failed relationships. coz they've taught me what NOT to do to my love, to shelter him from things that carved my heart.

may my love spread his wings with the tender of black-veiled night sky. <3

Save yourself a place before going out to love.

2009-02-27T04:05:00.003-04:00

you thought with wings, you could turn into a bird.
you thought by becoming a bird, you could soar with freedom.
but when you are winged with hope, you can only flutter in a tiny space.
flapping the wings, you have lost the freedom.

so you've never figured out what you want - the wings, the abilty to fly or the freedom?
perhaps, you are just yearning for the feeling of gliding in the sky.

know yourself. know what you want.

If you find a four-leaf clover...

2009-02-14T16:07:00.011-04:00

If you find a four-leaf clover,
It will bring happiness.
But don't tell Anyone
Where its white flower blooms
Or how many leaflets from its stem extend.
The four-leafed clover.
~[CLOVER]

things never turn out the way that i expected, do they? i thought all those tears have made me impervious to bgr. however, indifference does not run in my blood & hence, instead of turning me to a cold-blooded person, i've learnt to love myself more, or rather how to love myself.

people who don't know how to love themselves truly are incapable of loving others.

such a beautiful accident- the japanese class.

Happy Valentine's Day!

So it's time for the new year resolution again...

2009-01-10T03:57:00.010-04:00

1. beauty and boyfriend are liabilities; knowledge, family and true friends are my assests. mark the limit of how much i should invest. NEVER EVER confuse them.

2. if i could only read & comprehend 1 book, it gotta be Sun Tze's Art of War aka Sun Zi Bing Fa. all those years of studying the ancient chinese literature finally make sense now. i'm juz glad that my mom kinda forced it upon me. i have to read the book for at least 2 more times this year.

3. 100lbs.

4. and... i wanna go to Japan & Hawaii this year.

=====

supposed to write 20 things about myself on Facebook. but im not so sure how comfy that i would be to share what i truely wanna say about myself with erm... acquaintances. plus those who care to know, they already knew; those who don't know, they wont' care to know either way.

i wish i could laugh like before; i wish i was still a brat. but the Little Prince had returned to his planet through a poisonous snake bite.

The meaning of travel is to leave.

2008-12-14T03:27:00.006-04:00

'coz i'm leaving, i savour every moment of the journey.

'coz i'm leaving, i don't need to observe something beautiful under the microscope and bear the pain of watching it turn ugly.

'coz i'm leaving, i can turn my back around nonchalantly any second.

'coz i've gone, i remember all that was golden and time paints the rest.

'coz i've gone, i know the meaning of home. the true meaning of...home.

i love to travel. i love the feeling of leaving. i love the fact that i'm gonna leave...soon.

ps. i'm gonna put on that black coat again. why does it begin to feel like the memorial of someone...dead?

...Wish ___ happy EVERY day.

2008-12-09T15:10:00.009-04:00

wish i could speak in song, but words are all i have.

actually, i only have silence.

and a song.

happy everyday to you,
happy everyday to you,
happy everyday to ___
happy everyday to you.

A very interesting psy test in Chinese....

2008-12-06T03:04:00.008-04:00

你的心会为谁留位置

测试结果: B、没有

　　你的心里并不会为什么人特定留下位置。你觉得不同的时期，会有对自己来说重要性不同的人出现。你不强求有人能一辈子陪着自己，同样也不会想着永远将某个人记在心里。你不会抗拒人群，但是却不会对任何人投入过多心思。你害怕寂寞，不适合独自一人，独自一人时往往会让你觉得更加寂寞和无助。但是你又不愿意被人贴得过近，希望能够保留很大的个人空间。这样的你，心里总是会空着很多位置，为日后可能遇到的人做出准备。但是，能够走进你心里的人却并不多，因此有时你会觉得内心空旷寂寥。

LMAO.

Perhaps, my memories are stored in my hair.

2008-11-29T15:41:00.008-04:00

Snipped off my long hair for 6 years yesterday - something i've been thinking about doing for quite some time, but was hesitant when i thought of its nostalgic implications.

"you wanna go for it? so you really wanna go for it? do you need a moment or two to think about it again?"

"ya. no."

"it's like a path of no return."

"ha. hmm."

& so the tresses fell to the floor. i watched them being swept away through a mirror, only to realise that nostalgia is not caused by being sentimental; it's simply stubborn. blindly stubborn.

this is it. loving the new hairstyle now.

And the cold tears just swelled up again.

2008-11-18T05:18:00.005-04:00

sometimes, all it takes is just one simple line. you'd be surprised whom it was coming from.

& i can't recall when did my tears turn cold.

after talking to you for so long
seems like all you want is someone to accompany you
and give you a bit of affection
and keep things simple
u hate complicated things

.... distance is the greatest defense, you know?

A bad/good person...

2008-11-13T02:27:00.004-04:00

「宁愿爱一点不剩

也不忍看恋人爱成路人

...

是好人... 也是个坏人.」

Maturity is such a ... lonely word.

2008-11-05T02:44:00.010-04:00

you've been smiling...you've always been smiling, smiling through heartbreaks & loneliness. is it a conundrum?

i always want to know how it's like to be...unfeeling. is it a state of absolute tranquility? that inner peace which i long yearn to achieve? for all i know, i'm willing to trade all my happiness for that peacefulness. just when i thought that i had found enough proof to shut my heart, the little voice spoke up again.

"may be... it's different... this time."

it was the first time i came to realise that even being a coward needs to have a great deal of courage. & i don't even have that amount of courage to avoid the pain. is it the glorified devilish desire commonly known as... hope?

i need more wisdom. i need a lot more wisdom to fall with dignity... or rather to face it with dignity every time i fall.

you just have to keep smiling, don't you?

消えない愛があるなら

2008-10-15T01:47:00.008-03:00

「消えない愛があるなら」

i guess it's an allegory.

she thought her feelings run deep in the memories of those days, but the passing days prove them to be, in fact, really...really shallow.

So they warm me up & tear me apart too.

2008-09-27T21:16:00.008-03:00

i've never quite understood the intrinsic value of memories. i still don't. if it's for survival, it should be programmed to retain the most crucial information instead of those fiddling & elusive pieces that may have even ceased to exist.

perhaps, it's why i fall in love with Haruki Murakami's books. it started with Kafka on the Shore -the very second that i set my eyes on it.

"The pure present is an ungraspable advance of the past devouring the future. In truth, all sensation is already memory."

so much so for living in the present. it's all the ripple effect of the past. when i feel the pain, the tears, the smile, the love, i'm supposed to be mourning for the death of their cause.

how depressing.

i still can't find the blunt courage to finish dialing the numbers; the impulse that's long gone from the moment i replaced all words & emotions with one simple smile.

I've escaped the iPhone conspiracy

2008-09-17T00:51:00.009-03:00

& got myself the new iPod Touch 2G instead of forking out US$2000, merely for its extra calling function & the unimpressive camera, over a span of 2 yrs.

iPhone 3G is useful; the AT&T 3G plan is not. plus, my undying love for the Sony Ericsson mobile phones is simply...not dead. yet.

my engraved name seems to shine in the photo. O.o

"It's not as if I can't live without..."

2008-08-27T20:52:00.006-03:00

Paradise Kiss.

such a short yet heart-wrenching manga.

It's not as if I can't live without ~~George~~. Streets are still filled with people today; my life is fulfilling and busy as usual; nothing has changed.
But why do the things I see appear to be in black & white suddenly?

The monochrome view has been splashed with vibrant colours.

This is the meaning of ~~George~~'s existence to me.
Though our separated paths may not cross again in future, the meaning will never change.

Leeching on the happiness

2008-08-17T22:33:00.008-03:00

Jelly has nailed it - apparently, i'm leeching on someone's happiness. or rather, the happiness that's brought on by someone. whatever. but why do i feel a twinge of guilt? zzz...

i'm about to go back to miami. it's... great. it's... wonderful. it's... WOW, i'm outta words. =___="

"...Ever wonder if u love the person or love the feeling of being in love? "

"neither. u love urself, any second. hence u would fall in love with the person who is capable of satisfying most of your desires. hence the change in love, for ur desires change."

O____o...

All my dearests...

2008-08-13T23:23:00.010-03:00

is it a tragedy if handphones are literally the closest entities to me ever since they crossed my life? perhaps...no.

i have the urge to reminisce my dearests all of a sudden. for some strange reasons, their diminished existence never seems fiddling.

my 1st love - Motorola T191

bf no.2 - Nokia 3310
i think EVERYONE used to have it.

bf no.3 - Motorola E380
it was drowned later. zzz

bf no.4 - Nokia 7210

bf no.5 - Sony Ericsson W800i

my CURRENT BF~ Sony Ericsson G900

Finally, a new phone.

2008-08-09T23:59:00.006-03:00

got myself the Sony Ericsson G900 yesterday - the perfect smartphone which is ingeniously fused with elements from the normal phone, for the non-hardcore smartphone users. =muacks SE= i still love u for your balance btwn functionality and looks.

got really lazy to make more efforts in sorting out my messy thoughts to form coherent sentences.

ya i picked the red one. duh. more aptly put, it's maroon.

Those footprints next to the waves

2008-08-01T15:45:00.012-03:00

i....

...

ahhhh... forget about it.

she thought tears are superficial; companionship is a by-product of self-serving desires; people are essentially different entities. she still thinks so. hence, she always wants to prove herself wrong-a glaring dissonance; a constant source of disappointment.

but she refuses to accept her victory...& keeps trying.

here comes the new month; the new semester; the new beginning. (only if i had the power to vaporise the past... but i will make sure the past won't trespass into the present/future)

.....Wake up.

2008-07-21T10:30:00.009-03:00

i'm losing it. i'm losing the desire, the hunger for excellence coz i seem to be at the honeymoon stage of my life. i have the licenses & the access to resources to do/get almost whatever i want. it's like savouring the sweetness of poison with full awareness of its fatality.

~~@#$%@%^!!!~~ crap.

gotta slap myself awake. -.-

sth cute. ~~for JT & Jel~~ very random...

from the Stickgal blog.

My hanabi...

2008-07-08T05:49:00.002-03:00

想起你的拥抱这感觉短暂纪念
I remember the way your hugs felt. A fleeting memory
在你我之间有时说变就变
就像烟火下一秒消失不见
Just like fireworks that disappear in a flash

想起你的微笑这画面短暂纪念
I remember the way your smile looked. A fleeting memory
放在心里面
你说过的永远留在昨天
The eternity you spoke of remains in yesterday
就当它是我最美的纪念
I'll treat it as my most beautiful memory.

i heard it for the 1st time in a Boba Milk Tea shop near the Brooklyn Bridge, NY.

还有你陪我走过这一切记忆中你那些微笑的脸

".....注定似过路人陌生
你怎么手震...
hmm...what's 手震???"

......

a long shot. fade-out.

We Can't Do Anything

2008-07-02T04:46:00.001-03:00

....... eh.

can we? nvm... it doesn't matter anymore.

Before they wither...

2008-06-19T04:33:00.001-03:00

be buffled. even chiyogami flowers could shrivel...

if i should ever insist that they leave with you, would you tuck them in a corner of your luggage?
you know i won't. being peremptory is simply not.... me.
i guess... they would stay with me anyway.

they stayed with me.

Crying for the moon

2008-06-12T21:43:00.003-03:00

"Moon Crying" is Koda Kumi's latest single. i'm sure the perplexing title has raised a few eyebrows. i, too, were puzzled by the seemingly irrelevant title... till i read through the lyrics.

逢いたい気持ちは
どんなに伝えても伝えきれない

言葉に出来ない想いを
この歌で今伝えたい
溢れ出した気持ちが届くなら
君を想い歌いたいよ

a dream. to put it in a more glorified term, it's a 'wish'.

ずっと　ずっと　側に居たい
繋いだ手を離さないで…

it's indeed crying for the moon.

my mum has nagged me numerous times about going home but i simply brush it off, everytime, with such a shaky excuse- hate flying. i'm guilty of it in all sense. though, as long as it conceals my fear of confronting what i have lost in exchange of a winged me, i'm fine with it. yes, it's a phobia; the related symptoms are my disdain towards looking back and my selective amnesia.

i was having an epiphany about growing up when i tried to sort out my dilemma towards going back to Singapore. for once, it was pretty clear to me that i'm still the spoilt princess, emotion-wise, greedy and yearning for everything. yet i seem to have failed the first step in order to bear the weight of 'everything' - to be emotionless. (the credit goes to Kevin Q. )

ahhh... enough of my emo rantings. i'm seriously looking forward to going to Canada with Jelly. hey, it's our 1st overseas trip in conjunction with the 10-year anniversary of our precious friendship! =puke= lol. omg. i feel old now.

ps. i think i've hurt another person with my horrendously inexpressive communication skills. between taking care of his feelings and getting the meaning across, i've picked the latter. coz i know it prevents more heartaches in future.
i'm sorry.
=sigh= i still can't end the entry on a happier note. =.="

... I really want to say

2008-06-10T00:06:00.001-03:00

べつにアレックスがいなくても

この街は今日も人で溢れてるし

あたしの毎日は充実してるし

何も変えわらないよ.

なのにどうして急に景色がモノクロに見えるんだろう??

why??

It's about time

2008-05-29T04:16:00.001-03:00

to give my blog a makeover... and i did it!! i've changed the layout, finally, after almost 3 years. coz everytime i intended to remove it, i was hit by a wave of nostalgia. hard.

one last glimpse at the layout for the past 3 years.

time for bed. nowadays... i'm only at peace with myself, emotion-wise, during sleep. & i can relive the moments when he's not an ocean away; the gentleness in the touch of his face.

Classic quotes 2

2008-05-27T03:43:00.001-03:00

after Jelly made her ever so classic quotes about BGR back in 2006... she did it again, ytd.

LMAO.

I wish it was a clear day

2008-05-20T02:45:00.003-03:00

& we could have experienced the crimson sunset on the Golden Gate Bridge.

his warm hands, my sweet embraces, but no more.
so i've tucked the warmth in my heart.

can he feels it?

<3

Someday? Someday.

2008-05-06T02:21:00.008-03:00

i stood by Lake Osceola for an hour again, watching breeze smooth out the edges of the glistening reflections in dark. the scene is still filled with serenity, exactly the same as the end of last semester, only i am different.

Jing's leaving on wednesday. it begins to feel like her departure puts the long dued official full stop to my innocently blissful days. our scarce moments together, our seemingly detached friendship, start to flash across my mind in montage. as someone wise suggests, it's our brain's way of mourning the diminishing past.

& it occurs to me....

how do i say 'goodbye' to someone whom, knowingly, i will not meet again, for life? especially someone i hold dear... how?

i'm not afraid to say 'bye', not at all. juz let me turn around and walk away first. & i will make sure it happens, without fail.

Happy Bday: happy tearing!

2008-04-14T20:58:00.006-03:00

words can't do the magical night justice, of friends treated me dinner in Siam Lotus to celebrate my bday. never thought i would receive heaps of presents when simply driving down to the restaurant (& drove me there) on sunday night alone made it one of the happiest days in the year. all the fluttering emotions, largely gratitudes, came down to tears despite my hatred towards such an apparent bimbotic & melodramatic behaviour. i'm so not used to crying in front of a close friend, let alone a group of friends.

"happy tearing!" so Yejin said. what a perfect wish; one that easily lifts all traces of anguish. only if i could live the rest of my life tearing happily most of the time instead of crying, or worse, weeping without tears.
hence a wish, not a hope.

they turned my desperate attempts in fighting back tears to a complete failure, especially him. i never expect him to pick up my casual convo & went through all the troubles to get me the AX top. & his "so does it make you like me less if i bought you the Lacoste polo? wow, it's such a value for money!" i guess the moment will always shine in my memory.

i made myself a promise at the beginning of the year, and broke it after all the struggles. perhaps, for the first time, it's guilt-free, hopefully.

The tragedy of being an INFJ

2008-04-05T06:31:00.005-03:00

after taking the Myers-Briggs test for at least 3 times over 2 years and, i'm still INFJ, i guess i'm pretty much settled with the type.

INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer world and they are rarely at complete peace with themselves.

so i'm constantly at war with myself? great. so if i defeat my so called greatest enemy-myself, according to my parents, am i a winner or a loser? =.=

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring.

it's a double-edged sword. one that slashes with such silence to trap me in denial till my world turns crimson.

They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right.

.... i'm glad to be burdened with it coz i need to anchor my heart.

I've left my heart in NYC

2008-03-18T03:19:00.007-03:00

i juz came back from the best trip i've ever had with non-famiy members. it's probably due to the stark contrast with my previous trip, one that transformed my childhood dreamland-in-reality into a complete nightmare magically, all thanks to J*****'s malignant exploitation. oh well, what's there to lament... if everything turns out to be footprints on the seashore?

the trip has warned me despite the cold weather. i'm closer to the past me/life; the life thrived before someone wrapped me with the barbed wires of hypocrisy; the life sparkled with laughters. for this, i'm grateful to the 3 kind souls who travelled with me and made a difference in my life.

it has become increasingly difficult to run the show - the masquerade of my life, simply for fear of getting hurt. i guess... being conniving is not in my blood afterall and hence, it would never be an acquired skill for me. isn't it kinda tragic?

i will go back to NYC some time again, solely for the purpose of feeling the freezing wind slashes my face yet i'm incredibly warm inside out; to tread the path of the northern part of central park; to reach to the top of the Statue of Liberty.

Hitsuzen

2008-03-01T18:28:00.014-04:00

ひつぜん. or 必然 in kanji.

apparently, there's no direct english translation for this term. it can be interepreted loosely as the inevitable outcomes due to the decisions/actions involved. simply, there's no coincidence in the world but hitsuzen.

i've been having such a strong sense of hitsuzen lately. it's a peculiar feeling, a trance inducing experience that sets my heart at ease. good times. such good times.

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.
~ Reinhold Niebuhri

they have transcended forgiveness. i've exhausted my last bit of feelings into forgiving him, if there was anything left after last year dec. it surprises me to see myself gaining access to such wisdom.

i guess... it's worth it afterall. for all his hypocrisy, malevolence and exploitation, i'm on my way to master the top level of crystalline intelligence. thank you, dear....

...

stranger.

Love's in the air~

2008-02-14T23:45:00.010-04:00

i feel SO loved today.
well, not that i'm the hopeless lovelorn on other days...but people seem to utter the sweetest things today. a guy, sitting across me in the lab, said i look like Tila Tequila; though i totally disagree with him, thanks anyway. LOL. then someone accompanied me throughout my tedious workout routine in the wellness centre; not to mention the candies, flowers and the mysterious teddy with roses.... yes, a cuddly teddy bear with roses from an anonymous incredibly sweet soul. O___o!

could the person who left the bear in front of my door inform me who u r?? so that i can thank you, hug u and probably muack u... depending on your gender. pls...??

Update: i've found out the sweet soul. 本当にありがとうね！！！＝）

and thank you~ my dearest roomie. i'm SO fortunate to be living with you...really. -muacks-

Perhaps... It's why I leave

2008-02-11T17:45:00.002-04:00

what are the chances of Jelly & i loving the same song and... putting it on loop on different sides of the world concurrently??

心~~爱到疯了~~ 恨到算了就好了

你以为爱就是被爱
You assumed love is to be loved
你挥霍了我的崇拜
You squandered away my adoration for you

风筝有风
For kite's alive because of the wind
海豚有海
Dolpin exists for the sea
我存在在我的存在
I exist, because of my existence

所以明白所以离开
I have understood, I have left
所以不再为爱而爱
No longer had i loved for the sake of love

Formal resolutions for 2008

2008-01-22T00:51:00.001-04:00

1. finish & understand The Art of War to apply to daily life.

2. always exude an aura of elegance. both physically & mentally.

3. 4.0 gpa

4. regain my 100lbs

5. be suspicious - trust is a relative concept but NEVER an absolute one. (thks Kevin Q. love u & ur advice. =D )

In observance of the unshed tears

2008-01-08T00:52:00.002-04:00

i've been wondering if i should wail, at least once, to trail the SOP of dealing with emotional pain.

it was taken for granted, to exploit with viciousness behind the facade of amicable relationship.

perhaps, the fragile and malevolent-inclined connection shared by most people has raised my pain threshold. perhaps, it is too painful for me to shed tears. perhaps, my subconscious mind deems it unworthy of my precious tears all along.

it was a lie right from the beginning.

though i've yet to figure out the answer, i'm a huge step away from glancing the world through my rose-tinted glasses; i've checked another box of the life events; most importantly, i've learnt my lesson.

it was laughable.

2008 will be a great year. 2008 IS a great year. coz i believe so. and this... is my new year resolution.

I forget but not forgive

2007-12-21T02:55:00.005-04:00

ME: I was so angry to stay ard him (& hence the grp of pple). N now I’ve to spend Mickey’s Xmas party all alone in Disney. I juz dun get it how does he bear to lie repeatedly & exploit a person who regards him as a true friend & treat him with respect & sincerity…?

MY ROOMIE:
Honestly, ppl may seem nice & fine till they are given the opportunity to be selfish. U’d be surprised how many ppl if not all r selfish. it’s ridiculous! I couldn’t ever believe it. It’s so true that u have to search and search to find good ppl... and unselfish ppl. Sometimes and I say this from experience good ppl have to try hard to not b selfish.

try to take this as a learnin experience cuz what I had to realize is u cant put urself out there as much. Ur so nice and u did a lot 4 him and I hope he can appreciate it. But knowingly or not he took advantage of u. and he may not have meant to, but the fact is he did. U r something special and he couldn’t realize what he had. It’s up to him to change it but u can def find more loyal friends who will value and appreciate u. u may not realize it but u r unique. Ur so nice and that’s not as common as u think. May be it’s good that he’s leaving. It gives u a chance to make new friends and tho u should b nice not b too giving so ppl will take advantage of u. J and hopefully we can hang out more nxt sem.

pple like my roomie, Jelly, Eel, Pea and Ape heal gushing wounds that are carved deep by people’s malignance and warm me when I’m freezing inside out. the world is not truly ugly, afterall, with their presence.

Being either forgiving or resentful are too energy consuming, therefore I choose to forget.

And I know I’m good at it.

Xmas is coming... Merry Xmas & Happy New Year to the loved ones.

Seeing the world through a crimson veil

2007-12-04T18:19:00.001-04:00

there's nothing like feeling tears freeze, literally, on the cheeks in a hot and sunny afternoon. it's... it's... ahh, i'm so lost for words.

...

i'm tired of the exploitative relationship among people. and i turn to the sheltered bay where i anchor my heart but horrified to see it's beyond my reach.

then i saw your nickname, 'Comes The Dawn'. you know, i'm convinced that you are psychic or telepathic sometimes to understand and ease my pain without any form of communication. perhaps, this, as surreal and idealistic as it appears, is the connection that i seek in people. consequently, i give myself the opportunity to be disappointed again and again and AGAIN because no one, no one that i know of, has mastered the skill of listening to the wind like you do.

when i fished through my email inbox, this popped up. and it brought me to tears.

you have no idea how grateful i am to know you... to sense that you are still the same you after all these unsettling years.

Pain is inevitably real

2007-11-22T06:18:00.001-04:00

最初那一句台词填补了寂寞位子
The very first opening line fills up the lonely space
它不关年少无知
It has nothing to do with being young and naive
谁都高估爱的价值
Everyone overestimates the value of love

开始结束彷佛公式
Formulaic beginnings and endings

痛难免真实...
Pain is inevitably real...

Listen to the wind

2007-11-21T04:54:00.001-04:00

i don't get it.

is the existence of _____ only proven by clutching it in hands? when have we repudiated feeling, its density and perfume of emotions, as the solid evidence of its presence? to feel with heart...

until people have learnt to listen to the wind, they share the same concept of object permanence as a baby.

listen... to the wind, not the rustling of leaves.

Maturity AND degradation

2007-11-14T04:03:00.001-04:00

the world is wondrous, if, and only if.
The Little Prince would not return to his planet through a venomous snake bite.

look, they exploit your kindness in mockery and attribute it to your stupidity.

If I were one given to spite, perhaps I'd be getting along just fine with life. But I haven't learned, it seems, to believe the world truly ugly, and get prickly with my defenses.
-anru

how true, unfortunately.

i hope The Little Prince stays...with me... even when my heart shattered like glass.

To YOU, with empathy.

2007-11-06T21:37:00.000-04:00

at the end of the day, everyone needs to perfect the skill of masking all sorrows & despairs with a smile. it’s not hypocrisy, not isolation but a mere act of kindness to yourself AND people around you. most of the time, we are so indulge in self-serving biasness to assume that we are the one and only one to endure the most amount of pain. has it ever occurred to u that what u saw and heard are only tips of the icebergs? how much does it take for a person to put behind glaciers of tears to be laughing with u?

if it’s the case, do u bear to inflict more agony on those you love by pouring your share of it to them? I don’t… & I won’t.

& had I not been living on the other side of the globe, away from family & close friends, I would not see it.

too often we presume friends & family are obligated to help us.
too often we regard them to be compelled to take care of our emotional needs.
too often we forget such act is a blessing & overlook it at our own apathy.

I’m sorry if I sound judgmental. for the fortunate few (or unfortunate depending on how u see it) who contemplate the material world only, it may not be necessary to see this. But for the rest, I think it helps to ease possible feelings of seclusion & to adjust the mood.

I hope u are happy most of the time. so do all of my few close friends. Seriously.

Ps. When it comes to bgr, if u’ve put in the amt of effort tt u feel it’s justifiable & it’s still not working, it’s time to let go. May be I’m too pessimistic but I seriously think for the level of risk & amt of output in any bgr, it’s not worth u investing so much time & energy ESPECIALLY if u r unhappy.

The sands of time will keep your memory

2007-10-19T06:05:00.001-03:00

my dream ended abruptly and i woke up just minutes ago. feeling disoriented coz once again, i could not recall what the dream was yet i know... i KNOW it was the same dream that has been slipping in and away from my unconscious mind. recurring mysterious dream. oh well, that doesn't sound foreboding at all. haa...

heck. it's 5.15am. nothing's more crucial than getting back to slp.

yet, i'm wide awake. had i not put Tears on loop earlier tonight, i would still be sound asleep. somehow, i'm intoxicated by it. another masterpiece to my list of tear jerkers.

Loneliness, your silent whisper
Fills a river of tears through the night
Memory, you never let me cry
And you, you never said good-bye

Sometimes our tears blinded the love
We lost our dreams along the way
But i never thought you'd trade your soul to the fate

Time through the rain has set me free
Sands of time will keep your memory

according to Brown, such phenomenon occurs because there's no retroactive interference. indeed, endings always brand themselves to my mind because there's nothing else to follow. i still can feel the scenes sizzling in motage.

Friday blues

2007-09-28T20:27:00.001-03:00

i begin to hate weekends. like, loathe them.

and i'm literally gaping at what i've just typed. for all i know, i must have been possessed by ghosts or aliens to suggest the remotest contempt towards them. i used to live for the weekends. aha, i guess people do change. rather, i do change, even with the faintest possibility.

if separation begins the journey to my agony, i'm willing to tread the path again before the end.

intended to take a nap just now to ease my Friday blues but ended up merely watching the fluffy clouds stretch towards the horizon. what a huge waste of my time considering that i sleep for an avg of less than 5 hrs per night only?! i think i need more sleep, seriously.

how to segregate emotions from memories and watch them fade with a poker face? how? i want to know.

perhaps, it's an unconscious attempt to wear myself out so that i'm able to fall asleep instantly the moment i lie in bed. to refrain from thinking anything else except the school and...the school. haa.
may be i should get a bolster to make myself love the bed more by feeling my own warmth.

Sentimental attachment

2007-09-16T22:44:00.001-03:00

押し寄せるこんな痛みに　
どんな言い訳をすればいい...?!?

ばか。ルルちゃん。ばかばかばかばか。

[ねえ ______... あたし達の出会いを覚えてる..?]

Honesty is such a lonely word

2007-09-04T02:26:00.001-03:00

I can always find someone to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies.

it feels like there's a Pacman munching away at my heart.

deceive me...deceive me...to the freezing point of delusion volitionally.

numb. anaesthetic. painless.

Fields of Hope

2007-08-13T14:18:00.001-03:00

some songs are magical.
i sink into a trance-like state whenever i hear this song. the tranquil ambiance flows into my heart with the notes. it seeps in...deep. and the sentiments which i relate to it, though have nothing to do with the original message that the song intends to convey, always come back even after yrs. as they stay...and grow in me.

いつか緑の朝に
someday, on a green morning
いつか辿り着けると
someday, we will make it there
冬枯れた
where winter withers
この空を信じているから
because we believe in this sky
Fields of Hope...

and i can't stand it but to grumble about the translation on most of the english anime lyrics sites. it still sounds like fresh from Babel Fish. to make things worse, they can't even get the japanese part correct in the first place. geez...

Memory graveyard

2007-08-12T12:10:00.001-03:00

love buried xyz in the graveyard of my memory as "friends" in the name of "friendship".

i pay a lot of respect to the dead and make sure they are not disturbed... and stay dead.

rip. rip. rip. rip. rip. rIP, pls.
i would bring you a bouquet of flowers every yr if you wish so.

......

it only pains when i need to face it...again.

The facade of optimism

2007-08-10T10:32:00.001-03:00

your remark about my affinity for smiling still disturbs me. i don't have an affinity for smiling... i smile because it encompasses all my emotions & words, presented in a most welcomed way. yet hardly anyone apprehends it, or even notices it. not even you.

i'm sry that i can't hide my tone of disappointment. after so many yrs...after all those things... you have yet to realise that smiling is an ability i've developed for dealing with incapacitated situations. it's an armour, a camouflage, whatever it's called to conceal my real feelings and thoughts. i hate to turn one of the instinctive behaviours into something so... complex. but...

...think i shall stop before i snap...before my split personality starts to surface. haaa.

--------------------------------------divider-----------------------------------------

i saw Ape's entry that she was pitying herself for not able to find anyone to confide in when she's truly depress. i guess... it's more or less the same for everyone. no matter how close mentally, spiritually or physically two pple are, they are still two entities. two entities with their own territories and there's no way of merging.

even shared boundary entities.

i chanced upon Angela Aki's "Kiss me Goodbye" juz now . somehow, it still brings tears to my eyes. zzz...

Everyone was once Harry, Ron AND Hermione…

2007-08-02T01:38:00.001-03:00

at some point of their lives.
then we lost it through the process of adapting to the world. ……. the funny thing is that the more i know, the less i believe.

it’s a story about what you believe…or rather, sustaining your belief when it probably brings heaven and hell at the same time. putting aside any regards for level of maturity or intelligence, believeing is happiness. well, most of the times.

i miss the time when i assume Barbie doll’s hair will grow back after i snipped it. i miss the time when i bawled for weeks for the death of a manga/anime character as if he/she did exist. i miss the time when i believe all my bday wishes will come true with one blow at the candles. when love made my world go round and my world mainly consisted of 3 things. The rest were my wild musings and… my believes.

then it hit me hard - everytime when i start to believe, something’s ripped from me. it’s tough, so tough when the sickening cycle just repeats time after time. Harry is a fortunate boy. he has his strong belief and the buddies and rivals lay clearly in front of him. i believe, i do believe i can defeat my VoldemortS, both in physical or intangible forms, in time. but sometimes the problem is… who is Voldemort? what should be considered as "Which-Must-Not-Be-Named"?

i still feel small when i stand beside the ocean. i still believe a lot of things, beautiful things...like the Little Prince does. even if it means hell to me, i will "build a heaven in hell’s despair".

gotta love William Blake’s poem. one of my all time favourites.

"Obliviate".

Jelly with horns & a pitchfork

2007-06-25T10:09:00.001-03:00

the demonic devilish devil.

i juz got the solid evidence of the satanized Jelly emitting evil aura. unfortunately, or fortunately depending on the perspective, the angelic Lu is -cough- clobbered THIS TIME since Jelly... may juz happen to be speaking the truth.

dots.

Soliloquy of a cave woman

2007-06-20T16:26:00.001-03:00

the electronically dead cave woman dubbed by Ape.

so, the supposedly tenacious memories/feelings are in fact so readily forgotten. did i constantly shuffle the priority wrongly and remember the wrong things? may be. or may be... i'm never a sentimental person like what i , and probably the rest of the world too, thought. 'sentimental' is merely an excuse for my fickle emotions. as it kinda reduces the sense of guilt towards everyone, especially myself.

it can't be the latter. it just can't be.

...whatever.

i still stubbornly believe that the past is non-existent if -no one- remembers.

hmm... so what form would i take in your memories if i didn't slip away unconsciously x yrs later? haa. for me, it will always be the image of you, in that maroon pullover, staring at the comp. and... the way you talked to me when you were leaning against the bed on the left. why does the r/s montage is always filled with trifling moments?

"... Give me your loneliness
And I will give you my tenderness"

---------------- here comes the honorable divider-------------------------------------

i wanna go Sentosa in july... probably for the last time.
anyone...? anyone.

残念。

2006-11-06T01:48:00.001-04:00

残念です...

i'm sure you will empathise with my silence.

i know what hurts the most seeing my dad off at the Changi Airport x times per year. i seriously know.

...... next time.

The Door of the Stars

2006-11-03T18:33:00.004-04:00

If it is the real painful truth,
I’ll keep everything close to my heart without averting my eyes.
I’ll walk on,
beyond the distorted barrier towards the door of the stars...

目をそらさずに全てこの胸に
刺さる真実ならば
歩いていこう歪み塞がれた
星の扉の向こう…

星の扉の向こう…

星の扉の向こう…

towards the door of the stars...

i still prefer Hoshi no Tobira to Honoo no Tobira. both the music and the lyrics. nope, it should be especially the music. melodious and grand, yet not over the top. most importantly, it kinda inspires the sense of courage and persistence that suit the lyrics perfectly... and my feelings too.
Honoo no Tobira has awesome prelude though. just the prelude.

If it is the real painful truth,
I’ll keep everything close to my heart without averting my eyes.
I’ll walk on,
beyond the distorted barrier towards the door of the stars...

i see the door of the stars.

"Guys are..." by Pea

2006-10-31T11:54:00.001-04:00

October 31st, 2006 07:11 am
guys are

"oh-i-think-i-am-so-damn-great
egoisitc
assholic
jackasses
jerks
shitheads
i-am-always-right-you-biatch"

kinda things.

right?

ADAMS should all go to hell.

I HATE GUYS LAR.

WHY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FUCKING GIVE ME TROUBLES ALL GUYS.

WHY?

I ONLY HAVE ONE FUCKING HEART, AND IT CANT WITHSTAND SO MANY BREAKS LAR. WTH. ALL GO AND DIE CAN! THANKS.

Pea really speaks my mind sometimes. and u've helped me to vent the frustrations verbally when i won't/can't/unable to do so due to various reasons like personalities & crap. =cheers for Pea's latest entry=

no wonder i love u so much. ROFL~

Relics from the past

2006-10-25T13:57:00.001-03:00

look at the dates.
well, they are not antiques... but considering the fact that the tickets are made of thermal paper and they still exist for me to scan now, it's truely amazing. the interesting thing is, i have NO MEMORY of retaining them at all.

it's the feeling of relics from the past trespassing into my present... like they just barge in suddenly. though not unpleasant, it's very surprising. i was literally gaping at the tickets when they popped up as i was clearing up my stuffs just now.

nostalgia? n.a.h. ha. -.-

Thank you...

2006-10-23T18:55:00.001-03:00

mood:

thanks
arigatou
ありがとう
谢谢
......

Thank you. =)

Kiss Me Good-bye

2006-10-14T16:35:00.002-03:00

Kiss me good-bye, love’s memory
Follow your heart and find your destiny
Don’t shed a tear, for love’s mortality
For you put the dream in my reality
Kiss me good-bye 泣かない
あなたを愛せたから
Kiss me good-bye, love’s memory
You put the dream in my reality

Kiss me good-bye さようなら.

(the english version only)

gotta adore Angela Aki's voice and Nobuo Uematsu's music. absolutely amazing.

Slap myself...

2006-10-02T16:38:00.001-03:00

i feel like slapping myself for ignoring Jelly's warning indulgently mths ago. i feel like slapping myself for me being over confident with my ability of selective amnesia. i feel like slapping myself for not adopting Pea & Eel's advice. =pia pia pia= dumb Lu dumb Lu DUMB LU. see... your retribution for not trying hard enough to listen to your friends is paid in litres of tears. ichi rittoru no namida. zZZZzzZZzzz...

OMG... GET A GRIP LU. damnit. stop behaving like an emo kid.

and start learning from Jelly to be emotionless and accept it with your poker face.

crap, i'm in super foul mood like Pea. emotions are definitely infectious. i shall go out with Eel some day to pass the virus of gloom around.

THE Classic quote of my buddy

2006-09-29T14:55:00.001-03:00

::Jel:: says:
that's y pple break up
::Jel:: says:
cos that pt of time shifts
::Jel:: says:
den pple wake up
::Jel:: says:
and find themselves in a jialat situation..and realised..what tot to be bill gate..was actually a sch gate

~Jelly: 30/9/06@1.52am

Accompany you to the end

2006-09-24T15:36:00.001-03:00

she will accompany you till she has to leave or used up the last bit of her ~~feelings~~ patience. then she will vanish and you will retrieve your peace. haaa...

真実と現実の全てから目を反らさずに
生きていく証にすればいい
I should think of you as proof that I live
without taking my eyes off of truth and reality

memories are designed to fade. they are only tenacious when people start to believe so.

Tears

2006-09-12T15:01:00.001-03:00

if i could collect all the tears that i've shed for the past 2 or 3 mths, the amount is enough to save my cousin's fish from the chlorinated water.

2006 is simply n-o-t m-y y-e-a-r. so much for the optimistic and mentally strong me. ha.

ps. i don't cry, it's just my eyes are tearing.

Rebonding is still more suitable for me

2006-09-04T12:05:00.001-03:00

especially for lazy people like me. it's so hard to maintain the spiral curls of the ceramic perm cos i can't comb my hair. and after 7 mths of draping over my head, the curls begin to loosen up. and when i get my hair trimmed short, the curls will be cut away too leaving me with the messy-and-not-so-curly-wiggly locks. =___________="

so i decided to rebond... and realised may be i should stick to rebonding all the time. ceramic perm is gorgeous but it needs too much attention to maintain the look. i need to get a nice haircut too... preferably the style in the pic...

^NOT MY PIC. let's see if i can get this hairstyle (not the colour) eventually.

the refreshing feeling of a new hairstyle.
do i get to seal my past sorrows in the curly locks that have been cut away? do i....?

If only everything really was in Black and White

2006-08-23T22:28:00.001-03:00

both literally and metaphorically.

no grey areas pls. and everything's clear-cut with distinct contrast.

i don't mind giving up on pink for the dull but glaring combination. at least i get to live in true and simple bliss instead of being delusional colourful. it's soooooo hard to be happy now though happiness used to be just a candy or a toy.

and i wont ever crack my brain to ponder if i did the right thing. it leads to lethargy for me, not the common concept of brain activity is proportional to intelligence. also, it BLOODY HURTS to get involved in such ambiguous situations sometimes. it hurts... seriously.

i'm mentally exhausted.

Till a time I can say that I liked you but never will again

2006-08-17T18:16:00.003-03:00

I'll pack you up in a pretty box, put you away in a corner, till time passes and dust collects and maturity lifts my rose-tinted glasses; till naivety gives way to disillusionment; till i can face this with my poker face and find my emotions separate from my memories.

Till a time I can say, perhaps to an unworthy audience, that I ~~loved~~* liked you but never will again.

-part of anru's entry that speaks my mind

*it's ostensible. apparently when it comes to relationships among people, love only exists among family members and friends who are like family members. anru, sorry to say that i disagree with you on this. =x

ETERNAL SNOW

2006-08-07T15:20:00.001-03:00

the BEST melancholic anime song... ever. both the music and the lyrics are simply beautiful. too bad the english translation that appears on most of the sites sucks. some of the lines don't even make sense. it feels like reading stuffs from Babel Fish directly =.="

luckily, i've found the more accurate translation from the anime's subtitles. i shall post it since it really suits my mood, unfortunately.

ETERNAL SNOW (from Full Moon wo Sagashite) - Changin' My Life

君を好きになって
I fell in love with you
どれくらい経つのかナ？
Just how long has it been since then?
気持ち膨らんでゆくばかりで
My feelings have been only getting stronger
君はこの思い気付いているのかナ？
I wonder... have you realised how I feel?
一度も言葉にはしてないけど
Even though I've never said a word

雪のようにただ静かに
It's like snowflakes drifting... quietly...
降り積もりつづけてゆく
continuing to pile up higher and higher

Hold me tight こんな思いなら
Hold me tight... if this is how it feels
誰かを好きになる気持ち
The feeling of falling in love with someone
知りたくなかったよ
I never wanted to know this feeling
I love you 涙止まらない
I love you. I can't stop my tears from falling
こんなんじゃ君のこと
In that case, then you...
知らずにいれば良かったよ
should never have come into my life

君をいつまで思っているのかナ？
I wonder... how long will I keep thinking about you
ため息が窓ガラス曇らせた
My sighs are fogging up the window glass
揺れる心灯すキャンドルで
My trembling heart is next to the lit candle...
今溶かしてゆけないかナ？
and melting now. I wonder... will it survive?

Hold me tight 折れるほど強く
Hold me tight. So tight that I might break
木枯らし吹雪に出会っても
So that when we meet in the frigid gale of a blizzard...
寒くないようにと
I won't be cold anymore
I miss you 君を思うたび
I miss you. Everytime I think of you...
編みかけのこのマフラー
with this hand-knit muffler
今夜も一人抱きしめるよ
I'm here alone, holding myself again tonight

永遠に降る雪があるなら
If the snow keeps on falling forever...
君へと続くこの思い隠せるのかナ？
will it cover up my feelings for you?

Hold me tight こんな思いなら
Hold me tight... if this is how it feels
誰かを好きになる気持ち
The feeling of falling in love with someone
知りたくなかったよ
I never wanted to know this feeling
I love you 胸に込み上げる
I love you... it's filling up my heart
冬空に叫びたい
I want to shout to the winter sky
今すぐ君に会いたいよ
I want to meet you right now

Hold me tight

I love you

I've violated the rule

2006-07-14T16:31:00.001-03:00

i've violated the most important rule in an ambiguous relationship. that is to let its uncertainties affect my mood... or rather, affect my thoughts. it feels like something...~~one~~..whatever ... is invading my brain. =.=" well, as the penalty, i will send myself out of the field. -MIA ~~until the feelings disppear~~-

dumbo Jelly shall keep it to herself unless i'm no longer in singapore.

Pea i'm really sorry. gomen nasai. dui bu qi. >_< i will sms you another time to tell you what happened.

ps. Soukyuu no Fafner is the most awesome anime that i've seen recently.
white PSP is the hottest thing i've ever held in my hands.
ya i know there's no link..oh well...

What's wrong with us?

2006-07-09T13:06:00.001-03:00

i must be mentally unstable lately to keep talking and meeting up the person whom i hate. in fact, it's more like we hate each other... supposedly =.=" i have totally no idea why this is happening though. shall i call this 'behaviour deviation' ?

i hope someone's kind enough to enlighten me...

... I need a memory wipe

2006-07-05T11:12:00.001-03:00

how i wish my brain is 1 gigantic memory card. So i won't get choked by my memories.

i realised when a person died, all the related memories of him will become so... elusive. the past feels surreal. was it in my head only or it did happen?? and i can't stop wondering what was the last thing on his mind seconds before his heart stopped beating.

i feel lonely all of a sudden. it doesn't help even when i'm surrounded by people or walking along Orchard road. it's the feeling of emptiness that gets stronger as day of his wake approaches. i'm so lonely... lonely .... lonely... lonely... lonely... lonely... lonely... lonely and i doubt anyone can help me.

MIA.

LMAO LMAO LMAO

2006-06-26T11:39:00.001-03:00

this is plain hilarious.
thks~ darling Pea for capturing classic convo like this. LOL. i laughed till i have stomach cramps, literally. WH, u have a gift for it.

credits: Pea's blog~~

what's with matured boys and i? =.="

pea is evil... as usual. XD

it's gotta be joke of the mth. NO offence... just really... funny, somehow. XD

f2 everyone.. F2~!

2006-06-22T16:36:00.001-03:00

F2~~~~~~~~!!!

less than 1/3 of the guild and ALL leaders were offline when the screenshot is taken. =.= oh well... it's the only guild group SS i have. so i shall post it on my blog. lol.

wheeeeeeee im in the centre with darling Pea on my right~~~! too bad my name is blocked by the stupid ladder.

i dunno who's on my left though. lalala... XD

My Wishes

2006-06-09T16:28:00.001-03:00

1. To be happy
2. To be happy
3. To be happy

3 simple words, 3 wishes and thousands of impossibilities.

and i've finally realised that personalities divide people into different worlds. not groups but worlds. fine... i will accept this and move on. how dumb i can be to take such a long time in order to see this?

1 more reason to top up the list of impossibilities. heck. i will still mourn my foolishness for a while... afterall i do have feelings.

Gone.

2006-05-10T14:43:00.001-03:00

i'm going out of the town for a while. so sad.. i will miss jelly, pea, eel and ape. -sobs-

It's all about the mind & the (L):
eh..pull yourself out leh
with _____ really no outcome one

ya i'm going to... pull myself out of the pit before i get trapped. or may be i'm already trapped.

Solitude

2006-05-04T09:30:00.001-03:00

Lu's status: =MIA=

Lu's mood: bad. beyond description.

Reasons: family related & some other stuffs. she doesn't feel like mentioning.

sorry.

to Azeari: although Lu's 99.9% sure that u won't be able to see this, she still wants to say that she's NOT dao-ing u. she just needs to keep a distance away from u before doing anything stupid(or making stupid decisions) with her chaotic mind.
hope u will understand.

My new phone~~~

2006-04-16T21:11:00.002-03:00

is the one that i've posted a pic a few entries before. it really kicks Ipod's butt by having such amazing sound qualities. Not to mention the 512mb memory card with 32mb internal memory... as i can easily upgrade the memory card to 1gb or 2gb since it's compatible with the digicams at home.

Amazing camera too.. since it take better pic than Nokia N90 Carl Zeiss lens according to the reviews at tech sites. O____o! i gotta love Sony now... like my parents as the loyal Sony customers. lol.

*hop around* for dumping MY MUM's (not even mine as my phone rolled into the toilet bowl) ancient phone.

Suffocated...

2006-04-06T14:19:00.001-03:00

by memories.

... it's april... again...

...

estranged... the memories and I.

The classic quotes btwn Fish and Water

2006-04-01T13:51:00.002-04:00

Fish: You can't see my tears because I'm in water.
Water: I can feel your tears because you are in my heart.

it's short yet touching. a gal put it as her siggy in a forum and it caught my attention immediately. read it a few times to feel the meanings seeping into your heart.

*dust off the spider webs*
Pea and Eel have been whining for days about my desolated blog. here i am... plunking a nice quote to scare off the bugs. muahahaha~~~ actually, i intend to update it ytd. however, since it was april fools' day... i shall not make my major comeback looks like a prank. =.="

no intention of writing anything about my life. cos it's just like the tear jerker Jdrama i've just watched --- 1 littoru no namida. (thks Jelly for reminding me this. LOL -.-) i hope i won't get drowned in my own tears... ahahahaha~ XD

ps. my assassin has been lvl50 for weeks. ZZZzzzzZZZzzz....

MY new hair!!! MY NEW hair!!!!

2006-02-01T09:24:00.002-04:00

i think i'm insane recently... anyway, i'm quite sick of my long straight hair look (i have that hair since sec 3)... so i went to perm my hair today. O_o

i did the ceramic perm at Jean Yip. the hair stylist, Jeff, kept saying my hair is really longggggg & he has not done ceramic perming to such long length before. lol. & the result is simply amazing~~~~ dun ask me how much i've spent though... cos i dun feel like saying. T_T

i really LOVE ceramic perm~~~ it gives me bouncy cute curls that looks like a doll. ^___^ though my biggest gripe about this hair is... it's much HARDER to maintain than rebonded hair. >__< & i cant use comb from today onwards...

my old look...

my NEW look~ =D

i need to stress that my hair is BLACK... it's black~~~~ i didnt dye it. somehow... it appears brown under my camera flash. =_=

MilkPudding's latest hair

2006-01-24T07:53:00.001-04:00

i tried the last coupon this morning. Pea and i r twins now...

this hair is even better than my previous one. <3 how nice... 1 card, 2 coupons with no pts left. neat and clean. wahahaha~ i wont change my hair again. it's one of the BEST hairstyles in maple IMO. ^^

MilkPudding's new Orbis hair~

2006-01-23T07:56:00.001-04:00

i bought a prepaid card this afternoon and got an orbis hair coupon. here's the transformation...

my old 'cutie' hair...

& the new hair.. TADA~~! the trendy & cool new look... im officially a cold assassin now =D

i may change again when im sick of this hair... still has 5k pts which is entitled to another coupon. ^^ hope i will get a long hair by then. to try out the different styles