I've left my heart in NYC

i juz came back from the best trip i've ever had with non-famiy members. it's probably due to the stark contrast with my previous trip, one that transformed my childhood dreamland-in-reality into a complete nightmare magically, all thanks to J*****'s malignant exploitation. oh well, what's there to lament... if everything turns out to be footprints on the seashore?

the trip has warned me despite the cold weather. i'm closer to the past me/life; the life thrived before someone wrapped me with the barbed wires of hypocrisy; the life sparkled with laughters. for this, i'm grateful to the 3 kind souls who travelled with me and made a difference in my life.

it has become increasingly difficult to run the show - the masquerade of my life, simply for fear of getting hurt. i guess... being conniving is not in my blood afterall and hence, it would never be an acquired skill for me. isn't it kinda tragic?

i will go back to NYC some time again, solely for the purpose of feeling the freezing wind slashes my face yet i'm incredibly warm inside out; to tread the path of the northern part of central park; to reach to the top of the Statue of Liberty.

Hitsuzen

ひつぜん. or 必然 in kanji.

apparently, there's no direct english translation for this term. it can be interepreted loosely as the inevitable outcomes due to the decisions/actions involved. simply, there's no coincidence in the world but hitsuzen.

i've been having such a strong sense of hitsuzen lately. it's a peculiar feeling, a trance inducing experience that sets my heart at ease. good times. such good times.

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

~ Reinhold Niebuhri

they have transcended forgiveness. i've exhausted my last bit of feelings into forgiving him, if there was anything left after last year dec. it surprises me to see myself gaining access to such wisdom.

i guess... it's worth it afterall. for all his hypocrisy, malevolence and exploitation, i'm on my way to master the top level of crystalline intelligence. thank you, dear....

...

stranger.